“Trick or Treat, motherfucker.” One of many pointed and eloquent one-liners delivered by critically-acclaimed thespian, Busta Rhymes in the final chapter of the original Halloween series, Halloween: Resurrection. I don’t like to throw around the phrase “warrior poet” very often, but Busta’s wise words throughout the film, along with his ample kung fu skills, helped defeat Michael Myers and any legitimate hope of resurrecting the series without Rob Zombie’s rueful reboot. This movie sucks balls. Like big greasy balls that have been trapped in the same sweaty overalls for 25 years while their owner slices up teenagers in a white mask. It’s terrible. It’s gimmicky, it’s pointless, and it’s a terrible way to end one of the best horror franchises out there. It panders to the audience rather than challenging them or showing them something new.
Rick Rosenthal, director of Halloween II, returns in 2002 for the 8th installment in the saga. The film starts out with an interesting plot twist taking place at the end of the previous film H20. That plotline is promptly stabbed in the back and tossed off the roof to its death on the cold ground. Enter the new modern plotline, an atrocious and accidentally comical script, and a cast of characters that you won’t care about- in fact I was frustrated that it took Michael so long to kill them.
Warning: This review contains spoilers to the previous films and the beginning of this film.
The movie opens with Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) locked in a mental hospital. At the end of the previous film, H20, Laurie has Michael pinned against a tree branch and she chops his head off with an axe. Except in the opening scene of this movie, we find out that Michael had switched clothes with one a paramedic and escaped. The guy whose head Laurie removed was not her brother. She has gone insane with guilt. Of course Michael shows up. There is a big face off which will end their sibling rivalry for good.
Then the film decides to discard this interesting plotline and set up the nonsensical plot that follows for the next 75 minutes. Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks are TV producers filming a reality show in the Myers house. 6 sexy teens sign up to spend a night there filmed by hidden cameras and try to figure out what drove Michael to his murderous state. Busta has planted some red herrings around the house. Of course Michael shows up and starts eliminating the acting school dropouts as they break the cardinal rules of horror movies one by one. Now (spoiler alert) we see Michael’s eyes pop open in the final frame of the movie so all hope is not lost for the franchise (I’m counting the Rob Zombie remakes as a separate entity). I’d hate to see the original saga go out on this note.
This film jumps right onto the early-aughts reality TV bandwagon. They even make a reference to ‘voting someone off the island.’ That paired with shaky, intentionally scratchy, 28.8 kbps webcam footage are probably making John Carpenter spin in his grave. Well he’s not dead, but I’ll bet he’s the type of dude that sleeps in a coffin. Probably surrounded by hoes. Anyway, the movie just caters to the lowest common denominator of horror fans. If Anna Farris was in it, and the score was a little different, you’d think it was Scary Movie 2 and you’d probably laugh your ass off. It’s gimmicky and pointless and it’s offensive to me as a human being.
The characters are all dull, and flat. They’re like bland caricatures. Even the leading lady -I guess she’s the lead, she really receives less development than some of her friends who are clearly there as butcher knife fodder – is just the overly-stereotypical good girl. “Are you sure it’s not too revealing?” she says at one point about a rather conservative top that her friend picked out for her.
If you can summon the inner masochism to watch this train-wreck, bring a bottle of booze and play this drinking game. Take a drink every time:
- Busta Rhymes gives someone sage advice
- Michael Meyers blatantly defies the laws of physics
- A character makes an inappropriate sexual advance on someone they just met
- The good girl says something pointless to prove she’s the good girl
- Busta uses Halloween themed puns or wordplay with the word ‘fuck’
Probably call an ambulance after about 20 minutes because you’re going to have alcohol poisoning.
To be fair, if this movie wasn’t tantamount to drawing moustaches all over the Sistine Chapel, I would have actually liked Busta Rhyme’s performance. He is the only character with any real development and he’s actually pretty entertaining and funny. Not scary, funny.
- Is it scary: 3- There are a couple creepy moments in the old Myers house, but the dialog and the acting keep you from experiencing any real fear.
- Originality: 2- This is just cookie-cutter horror. Utterly clichéd and rehashed.
- Blood: 4- Not bad. I could have handled a little more gore though.
- Believability: 2–The storytelling and the acting were so bad. This whole thing was a waste of time.
- Setting/Cinematography: 3- I actually kind of liked what they did with the Myers house and the basement and whatnot but the stupid webcam stuff was terrible.
Final Score: 14/50
DON'T GO UP THE STAIRS 